Porn v. Art the Conclusion/Synthesis (beauty for it's own sake is not wrong)

I keep on forgetting the human body is not wrong. I've always been tentative somewhat with my art, I suppose. Violence has always been more acceptible than nudity for some reason, however. I could draw a guy with limbs getting blown off in school and get away with it, but you'd get sent to the principle's office if you ever drew something tame like a woman't nipples.

What's crazy is that it wouldn't even be a woman engaged in a sexual act, she would just be nude and that was bad. I personally never got in trouble for anything like that, but I did get accosted by the girls in my class for drawing women with large breast. These girls were the type to pinch butts and talk about cute guys I should note.

Well, I never really drew many nudes when I was young (which would've been healthy) and my wife gets on this trip about porn being wrong even though she likes it, so I have a pretty screwed up idea of sexuality right now. So, these nudes are part of reclaiming my right mind.

A woman's body is not wrong. It's beautiful.

Additionally, I have been reading the subpar manga "Toykyo Tribes." I'm disappointed. I heard it was supposed to be good. They even use slang wrong some times. Anyway, the version I have is censored, which is okay, but I was wondering exactly was taken out. The violence was fairly extreme so far as I read. Further along I noticed they censored nudity and what looked like sex scenes. Why the fuck would nudity and sex be worse than violence? Even rape, that is flat out, not worse than two people heads being chopped off. Period.

Lately, I've realized that I've been subconsciously objectifying women. Usually just as fantasies or ideals, ideal wives or cool friends, but also, usually I tend to look at how cute a woman is before I even pay attention to her. I will admit I've had crushes on ugly women with good personalities, but from first looks if it wasn't for circumstance, I would've never spoken to that woman.

When did girls become the people who used to bother me when I draw in class, from friends with their own unique personalities and quirks, to blurs of asses and tits. When did they become solely sex objects instead of humans. I noticed this when a girl I was checking out said "hi" to me.

Black-Man

Although I've just went through the trouble of just redoing my blog, I think I've almost decided that I won't be doing this Black-Man comic in the haphazard, unplanned fashion that I have been doing it. This doesn't mean I'm giving up, it just means I actually want to write it first perhaps in chapters, before I start moving along with a continuity. I will probably just do random comics and art to display. That will build my online portfolio, while not making me look entirely unprofessional as this is not the only comic I ever plan on doing. It has a finite end even when I envisioned it.

I'm currently actually writing a story that is probably best planned as a novel that I will turn into a graphic novel to make it more accessible to that masses. Also, I'm planning a project with my brother, a compilation of sorts, that should be interesting. Expect more from me on this, but don't be surprise if things get held up.

What I've noticed over the course of my adult life is that I have let a series of ups and downs control my life and my creative output. When I tried to compare this to the first half of my life, I don't think my life was any more stable, but I still managed creative output. There was always change, bullies, crushes, punishments, all the drama that kids go through why they hate being a kid. It tends to get romanticized though. I've started to believe things were easier as a kid, but they weren't. Most days I didn't even want to go to school so I wouldn't get clowned. Got worse in high school.

As an adult, there have been 3 new kids, college, the unfortunate and unfair jail incident, being over 3 times in a week by the cops, and constant static with my wife that I allow to bring me down. I just think it's worse. I keep thinking thinking things will stop happening and be stable, but they never do. After this car break-in, I noticed this and realized it does no good to be depressed or let bullshit like this keep my creative side down. I used to hate "working through" stress, but now, I see it is a very good way to not only relieve stress, but to gauge how I really feel about the things that are going on in my life at that now.

Change will never stop. In fact it is the only constant.

Controversy Sells

I hate to say it, but the biggest successes I've had in the short time I've had as an internet presence have from bullshit. Internet fights or flame wars, plugging myself at E3 time, and blogging or drawing porn or nudity.

I did one thing on porn or art and in a few hours I'd had hundreds of visits on flickr.com, but what was weird was that the photos right next in line wouldn't even be looked at. Same thing happened today, the semi nude I drew got way more hit then the art I personally favored just one click away.

My biggest amount of hits came from E3, fights with a bitch named VJ from another blog, a race battle with the racist fags at Opa-Ages.org (or whatever). I've had legitimate readers, but mainly the hollow hits and picture views are from bullshit, otherwise it's hard to get people to pay attention to me. It definitely gets to be draining after some time.

And not just visits to this blog, at stripcreator.com, no one looked at my comics until we started fighting about racism and shit. Otherwise no one would've even knew who I was.

If it must be controversy that gets them to me, I'm going to make sure I have something to sell next time, not just the words that they already have been disagreeing with.

Fresh

I surprised them bastards didn't jack my dragon air freshener.

Brought Down by the Hood

Today, between 1-3 in the morning, when I was having relations with my wife, I heard the loud sound of glass shattering. Sounded like someone threw down a bottle. When I looked out the window, I didn't see anything. A moment later I heard it again. Still couldn't see anything. It didn't help the the street lamps out there was erratic, so often it left the parking lot in complete blackness.
        
Well, after we were satisfied. Too tired to go at it another round, it was around 3:40 AM. Minority Report was still in the DVD player and I intended to finish watching it. I'm always looking out the window, I mean like Hitchcock's Rear Window, so when I looked out there before I sat down and saw it was my car that had been broken into I was shocked. The one time I didn't care to mind more than my own business.

Well, it wasn't so bad, they only took the $100 CD player. But they broke the back passenger side window and messed up the dash to do it. All that damage is more than they'll even be able to get from a guy off the street. They can't sell it at the pawn shop, I gave the serial number to the police. Pawn shop wouldn't give them but $10 dollars for that cheap thing anyway.

The worse part isn't feeling violated, because I don't it's that I got beat to the jump. I was planning on selling that thing for parts because I didn't want to pay for the repairs, but they got to it first, damaging it further, so I'lll obviously get less now. When I first moved to these apartments, my car was fine. But on one rainy day, a son of a bitch skid into me and drove off. I couldn't catch him. Cops didn't do much then, don't feel they'll do much now. That was the first damage, then this break-in was the second in the same neighborhood, a little over a block away.

Also, what were my neighbors doing? Really, I wasn't close to any of them. I wish I was so I could have a better idea of who might've done it. I know who may not have done it, but not much else.

Thing is, not getting it fixed or disposing of it sooner might've been partly to blame on the key stuck in the ignition. The shifter isn't working properly, so when they towed it in a few weeks ago, they had to shift it manually, but I could never get the key out. Maybe they thought they could take a joy ride or something.

They left all the CDs which also were worth more than the deck and even some papers with compromising information. Maybe it was too dark or they didn't realize they could've done more damage with bank account and social security numbers. Amateurs. What happened to jimmying the lock? That what leads me to believe it was kids or opportunists.

Security was sleep when I wrapped on the window of the security booth at around 6:00 in the morning. If they'd been doing more rounds maybe this wouldn't have happened. He tells me that they had some kids entering people apartments with meat cleavers and whatnot, but they hadn't been caught. That bothered me more than my break-in. I don't want people trying to hurt me for the little bit that I have, I need to get a gun or something.

What was funny is I thought I recognized the officer that arrived. He was the guy who responded and questioned me and another security officer when we reported a break-in at the Academy next door. I guess he's only a good cop when he's given information. Really all he had to do was ask some question, maybe check some video tape, but they probably won't do that. Really, isn't it always people who take care of each other? After all the cops can't be everywhere. I almost bet that most of the work cops do are from call ins. So maybe I should put most of the blame on the neighbors and security.

Mainly I just feel drained. Something odd always seems to pop up when I'm doing well. I just have to stop letting it get me off track. I found myself already making excuses, saying I don't want to do this or that because my car just got broken into.

Sad about that car, I was so happy when I got it. I used to have back pain that went away when I got it. From that point I learned that pain really can be psychosomatic. I took good care of it until the first accident, then it was downhill. After the window breakage, It's definitely time for a new car.

Still ain't sleep yet

I found a good Photoshop tutorial and used it. I didn't have good enough lighting to bring out my eye color though.

I wasn't really picky about how this one turned out since I'm sleep deprived, but I do like it.

Energized

I drank some coffee while doing some Photoshop tutorials last night until the morning. It wasn't long before I was charged.

I was so hyped about the idea of cleaning up, I couldn't even finish watching "The Birds." I just had to sweep the hallway and the bathroom. That led to sweeping and picking up things in the upstairs rooms, waking up my wife in the process. She's always pissy in the morning, so this didn't make much difference.

It was about an hour before I was back to the movie. I was great. I still wanted to know why the birds were attacking. Oddly, Hitchcock pullled it off without having to explain shit. He really is or was a master of movie making.

After that, I checked my current downloads and went back to a race fight I had going on at StripCreator.com. It would be dream to think that all that stuff I did would dead racism at StripCreator all together. The downloads, they seemed like they've been stuck at the last megabit for a day or so.

The plan after sweeping was to cut my hair and clean the bathroom as today's project. By the end of it, I was on my feet so long with water on the floor, my feet started to split at the back. I know dirt is dirt, but I have to stop myself from throwing up a few times. That bathroom really should be cleaned by someone else besides me. This was when I was the only working adult in the house as well. You would think wifey was glad I was cleaning up at all, but she gets a shitty attitude about fixing the kids breakfast. Pouring cereal and milk is not that hard.

Well now, it's all spick and span. My bedroom gets detail tommorrow.

After all that, I still had enerdy. I wanted to walk to the store, that is opposed to driving, and buy some new things. More cleaning supplies, organizational tools for the bathroom. Instead we ended up taking the kids to the park. They played while I walked. It was blazing outside, but I walked until I had cramps. I started to feel them right as I was walking toward my family to tell them I'm ready to go.

I was tired then, I just sat still and quiet in the car. After we went grocery shopping, I just wanted to go to bed. The kids were tired too, so as they fell off, I stayed up and watched a movie and messed around on the computer a little. I had a short nap before fixing dinner.

I only have a few hours left. My creative and patient brain went beddy-bye hours ago. I guess I'll have to just play some GTA San Andreas and Resident Evil until it's time to pick up the wife. I badly want to watch one of those Sean Connery James Bonds, but I doubt at this phase I could sit through it. When I'm sleep deprived, I can sleep through a house fire...well at least until I noticed my bed was the fuck on fire. Then I would be up no doubt. If I sleep wifey'll end up having to catch her ass a cab, cause I wouldn't be able to answer the phone.

Not ready yet

I decided to go ahead and give this new look a try out. My new site isn't finished yet, but while I was waiting I whipped this up.

It's pretty much how I wanted, graphic wise, but I still need to fix the colors on the rest of the blog. It's hard as hell learning new stuff.

I've been telling myself I would go to be at night for the last 2 or 3 nights, but I've been up doing Photoshop tutorials and things like that. It's almost not excitement. It's actually like I'm making myself do these extra little things. I should though. That's probably why I don't feel guilty about it.

Feels like Summer vacation again.

Unleash the Dragon

iPod Lanyard
Originally uploaded by Ashiedu Nwadiei.

I have a work-out uniform that I've started to think of as a superhero uniform. This cut-off shirt w/dragon logo and a pair of black Nike shorts with a grey and white stripes on the side. The shirt says 1978 which is close to my actual birth year, but off by a year. (I was born on the last day of the last year of the decade.)

Whenever I was in the TCC gym slipping on my outfit and lacing up my shoes, I would feel like I'm Superman or somebody going out to fight the injustices of the world. When I put it on I meant business.

At that gym, I would do all kinds of things that were super-me if not super human. I could run longer, lift more weight, I just had all around better strength and endurance. I'd work out for about an hour and could do more, but from what I'd read it doesn't do your body much good to work out for that long and that hard. Also, I had to pick up my son from preschool everyday, I could stay for too much longer.

What's funny is that as soon as I'd be out of the gym, I would get winded going of a few flights of stairs. Go figa.

What's my kryptonite? Cigars.

Man campaigns for end to immoral games

Man campaigns for end to immoral games


I'm posting this 'cause I'm reeaalll. I hope I never have to worry about censoration, but people fuck with you about anything if you're a good target.

This Jack Thompson guy is an asshole. GTA is intended for, but improperly sold to kids. Doesn't matter what they put in there if a kids never is able to purchase it from a store without parents consent. And Doom a murder simulator? Give me a break, it doesn't even have accurate aiming.

Again I say, asshole. You have to at least know your enemy.

Have I kept it real? (Rejection)

I'm not sure if it even is possible to keep it 100% real anymore. I try to be myself, but when it comes down to writing for instance, it's hard to do just what pleases myself.

What I actually end up doing is trying to do a version of what I want to do, but make it easily accessible to what others would like, but I'm rarely happy with it. So what to do?

How is it possible to do stuff that just pleases me and resolve to never make money? I know I should think that way, but it's hard to even do something when I think it'll be just for fun and nothing will come of it. Unfortunately, this is when I have the most fun and do my best work, art or writing. When I do it for fun without the world entering into my head before my pencil hits the blank page.

This will be a challenge, but I've got to do something about it. It's funny because I always have these same kinds of thoughts when I start something that others will look at. Maybe I've injected some of that writers fear into my artwork too.

This never used to happen to me at all, then I acquired that fear of being rejected and having my hopes crushed. It's irrational just like any other fear, shit, rejection is routine. All it means is that one person didn't like my stuff. If you go to a store, people routinely reject things they dislike and often favor something much more and select it. Others they are indifferent towards and some they hate.

If I keep fearing, I give people a whole lot less to reject.

Also...

Even though I said it in my last post, I'm moving my comic to iam.adiktd.com I was able to get some webspace there. When the site is ready and done, I'm going to be updating it regularly.

My Life, My Life

I'm gonna update this just because I haven't in a while.

I don't really know how to sum up what's been going on. I feel like my life has been far to changing and different for the past few years and more so now. I stepped outside and had a cigar a few weeks ago and felt like my life would be different from that point on. It feels like it.

Now what does different mean? I dunno. My son is going on 7, my oldest daughter is going on 4, and my youngest daughter is 2. I used to feel I could handle having children, but I feel unequipped being a "real" parent to older kids. In fact older kids are what I always wanted, to that's weird. I guess when they were younger, it felt like almost anything I did taught them something or was good parenting. Reading them a book or taking them to the park. A seven-year-old? Now, I have to a role model and such, teach him about morality.

What else, I feel like I'm keeping myself busy and realizing myself. I've been going to school for a while now, but I've been doing things for myself personally as well, not just neglecting my self. After all, I need entertainment of some kind. I hate just needing to write or draw for school. It's all starting to be more for me again.

I've found a cool chick out there on the internet that if I was available would've tried to holler at. She's actually reminds me of my mother personality and lookswise slightly. Just some of those faces she made and I'm thinking, "that's my mom!" These are just from pictures though. She actually had me do some comic art for her in exchange for webspace. That was cool. I got to have a good excuse to look at her pictures for a few days while doing the art.

Wife got jealous about that, but at least when it comes to my wife, any of her jealousy and complaining is about love. It's about her. She's never even care that I am an artist. She's never asked me to do anything or even really looked at my art. She doesn't want my attention either, anytime she has time to spend, she does it away from home. She always has to be out somewhere with someone else. Go figure.

Welp, that's life. Always changing. Hopefully this is a good wave.